Conversation

Hip, hip hooray!

A lot is made of the importance of couples sharing the hard times in life. Did you know that research shows that it is at least as important to share the good times? Couples that focus on the positive stay married longer and enjoy their marriages more than couples that focus on the negative. You might say, "Yeah, but those positive couples probably have less negative stuff to deal with." Actually, no.

While couples need to learn to manage the hard stuff--grief, anger, disappointments, etc.--they won't feel deeply connected and joyful together unless they also know how to share the happy times. That means, first of all, actually noticing the good stuff when it happens. Then, we have to acknowledge it--to ourselves and to each other.

If your spouse is excited about a new opportunity, try to match his excitement with your own. If she is celebrating an accomplishment, throw her a party. If he had a good day, reflect that without immediately piling on with your own day's frustrations. If something good happens for your partner, take a quick minute to breathe a prayer of gratitude--together.

How we handle the hard stuff is important. Let's just remember that it's not all hard stuff!

Happy new year!

Two questions: One, did you make any New Year's resolutions this year? (If not, did you at least think about ways you want this year to be better than last?) And two, did any of your resolutions include your marriage?

Where did we get the idea that if we love each other, marriage should be easy? Take two very different people--different genders, different experiences, different personalities--and put them in a house together, make them share a bedroom, a budget and the next 50 years. Then, just for fun, give them a dog and a couple of kids to raise. Does anything about that sound easy to you?

People in healthy marriages pay close attention to their relationships. They ask themselves regularly, "What could I be doing to make this even better?" Interestingly, people in healthy relationships are less likely to try to FIX their relationships and more likely to look for ways to IMPROVE them. See the subtle difference?

New year's resolutions per se might not be your thing--fair enough; they're not mine either. But the beginning of a new year is a great time to pay attention to this very special and unique relationship. It's a great time to ask: "Where have I let things go? Where do I need to renew my efforts? What small actions might make a big difference? How can I improve what we have together?"

Happy new year!